so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
