There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
