Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
