Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
