Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
