"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize