I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
