Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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