She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
