Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
