Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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