i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize