If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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