dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
