I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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