checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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