I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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