plz talk dirty to me
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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