ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
