her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
