I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
