So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
