I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
