the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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