i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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