Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
