I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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