Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
