I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize