youre lurking in front of me
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
