Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Farmville is her only friend.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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