Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
