Your dad touched me again.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
