i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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