Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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