If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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