When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
