everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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