I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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