listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
