my mouth tastes like poor choices
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
