Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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