He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
