Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
