Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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