I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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