The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This is my gift to your gina
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
