After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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