You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
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