so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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