i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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