I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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