I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
