Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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