can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
