Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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