I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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