I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
don't judge my taste in strippers
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
