I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Who died my cat blue again?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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