I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
